You Look In My Eyes Like You Can See Through Me

That certain judgment, that certain jurisdiction, that certain sarcasm, that certain discrimination and that certain prejudice~ What you seek is what you wished for yet the feeling of being having to oblige under certain circumstances was unknown towards you. You know nothing of the feelings bound inside of me, you know nothing of the wishes I have yet to make, you know nothing of the decisions I wish I could actually make without you. I am a child and always a child in your eyes; even under the jurisdiction after I was 18 years old. I am left to defend on my own through the experience of independence; you acknowledge only the faults that I make and the past achievement that in the present I could not achieve. You compared what used to be my hard work under tons of pressure from school and from family. Yes I know, my pressure isn't up to the level that my older sister have to withstand.

My older sister is liked by everyone in my eyes, is accepted by everyone in my eyes, is respected in my eyes, is loved by everyone in my eyes yet there's still some imbeciles who caused her sufferings and get no retribution for their doings. The rage of jealous lies within me but I can never speak it out loud or admit to her. Her care and concern for me lies so deep, that I have no fear over her but only respect through the heart even though my actions define it in a different way~ I seek her forgiveness for my childish acts but I do wish that I can be left alone to fend for myself instead of being protected all the time.

My mind is in a state where I felt like I am being confined in a penitentiary; thus, I am bound to darkness and endless sorrows. My willpower is weak; I am unable to fight against the dark shadows that binds me away from the light. My two older sisters have prayed for me; for good health and to demolish all dark thoughts. The bindings made by the devil to make me feel I'm trapped, suffocating and insecure; all these have been partly removed. I thank them both and I thank the lord above for his healing power and guidance bestowed upon me.

Baby have been accompanying me lately, I am really grateful and I'm loving every moment of the sweetness he is giving me. However, some changes have caused me to be distress once more. The school has finally sent the e-mail with regards to my job, yet I am not feeling an inch bit of joy instead I was feeling a huge amount of fury rising up from deep down inside. *Sigh*....