Bitter goodbyes

We seek nothing but the truth yet we fell deep down into misery. I'm sick and tired of trying, sick and tired of enduring, however, it is all a waste of effort in the end!!! Now that you're gone and I'm still living my life regardless of what happened between us both. I chose to live on with hidden miseries and a secret dungeon where I could keep my abundance of thoughts away from every single one who loves and cares about me.

It seem easy for you, but it is a tough job for me. I'm enduring every single day, trying not to cry, trying not to fight, trying not to argue, trying not to flip my head inside out and trying not to slit myself into scars. I'm enduring bitterly without you here but your presence is lingering around me, the thoughts of you just make me tear without reason. The thoughts of you laid at the back of my head, pounding and flashing right before my eyes; it is a torture thinking about you but I just wish I could have one more chance to win your love back...it was all a wishful thinking. I had to go into denial that my heart still beats for you, I had to go into denial that I'm surviving well enough without you when I'm actually suffering deep down into the darkness. I'll never know as someone might have taken my place, I couldn't accept the fact that you're gone. I couldn't accept the fact that you had to lie to me, I couldn't accept the fact that my love for you was nothing to hold you back, I couldn't accept the fact that I meant nothing to you all these while. I just can't believe it anymore~

After coming back from my vacation that I didn't enjoy much, I received such astounding news that brought me great grievance till the extend that I burst out in tears without pausing for a second to breathe. Mum had to put me into her arms to comfort me, mum told daddy about it and he wasn't too happy because daddy didn't believe in "breaking-up" through message and he is furious till the extend he wanted to call you just to lecture you about it. I didn't want that, so mum had to stop him because it caused me even greater grievance talking about you. I wish to forget, I wish to forgive you for leaving but the hurt was harsh and cold...It was killing me slowly.

I tried to forget by thinking about Tomo because Tomo made me smile so much and I could be myself with him without pretending to be someone I'm not. His humor can be cold and sarcastic at times but I do like it and it really made me smile but his words didn't really help me either as he misunderstood me :( This caused me to stop talking to him for the time being~ I really don't wish to go into anymore relationship, till I finally forget about you....But I know it is gonna take me awhile :'(

I just couldn't fight the tears from falling~