What's past is past but people are just being all ridiculous and restless about it, they had to dig it up people's dark history that people wanted to simply lock it away for a long period of time. But no one is listening how much I've been ranting, no one is bothered about how I'm feeling right now, no one understands what is going on right now in my life yet they love pretending that they know every single bit about everything!
I'm sick and tired of being an angel in front of everyone, I'm sick and tired of trying so hard to be what they want me to be, I'm sick and tired of pretending that I'm happy, I'm sick and tired of making everyone smile, I'm sick and tired of creating conversations that always get me into one hell of a lecture from you. Do you know how much have I been enduring? Do you know how much have I been keeping? Do you know how much I wished to be dead? Do you know how much have I been crying? Do you know how much jealousy I've kept away? Because it is always the same thing going on in my head!!! I'm envious of her, envious of her!! She's spontaneous, outgoing, caring, loving, have great patience, have so many friends and have my parents loving every single word she says. Yes I'm not the same and do you even know why I follow her footsteps, because I look up to her...I wanted to be her so you would look at me with those loving eyes like how you look at her.
She felt the same when grandma ignored her, always blaming her for the things we couldn't do yet wanting her to do. She has the most responsibility, she had to be nice and caring to give way to us both. She was in the middle. She has the experience of being the only child! She has a lot of things I never got! She has a lot of experience with the outside world and I don't. I am sick and tired of being compared. I am sick and tired of heeding orders like a DOG!! I have never stopped crying since I went to school for my very last semester till now~ And do you know how much I felt neglected, how much I felt unloved by my own family? I am trying to cope with the fact that I was labeled at the mentally unstable child in the family, I am trying cope with the fact that I had to be one labeled as the most useless brat in the family, I am trying cope with the fact that I am the only one who kept falling sick in the family!! Yes I'm the worst. The worst!! I am not saying I'm suffering the most because I know there's a lot of others who suffered the worst fate out there. But I wish I could do something about myself.
I am not a good girlfriend, I am not a good daughter, I am not a good sister and I am not a good friend. I'm always the one throwing temper, I'm always the one venting anger on others, I'm always the one who fails in almost everything! I don't wish to be at home! I will always remember the times when I was in hospital, the first thing that you could say all the time when you called was "what about school? would they let you continue? would they let you stay?" instead of asking me about how I was. Yes yes my sister has done a lot for me. Saved my sorry ass from gangsters...she is the almighty one alright? Just let me be the idiot of the family...I don't need you to put faith in me because I've lost faith in my own family. I don't even know who is my family anymore! Seriously I do not...
All I know is that all I have left is JianZhen. I don't wish to be bothered about anyone else anymore, I'm sick and tired of being what you wish for me to be :'(
I'm sick and tired of being an angel in front of everyone, I'm sick and tired of trying so hard to be what they want me to be, I'm sick and tired of pretending that I'm happy, I'm sick and tired of making everyone smile, I'm sick and tired of creating conversations that always get me into one hell of a lecture from you. Do you know how much have I been enduring? Do you know how much have I been keeping? Do you know how much I wished to be dead? Do you know how much have I been crying? Do you know how much jealousy I've kept away? Because it is always the same thing going on in my head!!! I'm envious of her, envious of her!! She's spontaneous, outgoing, caring, loving, have great patience, have so many friends and have my parents loving every single word she says. Yes I'm not the same and do you even know why I follow her footsteps, because I look up to her...I wanted to be her so you would look at me with those loving eyes like how you look at her.
She felt the same when grandma ignored her, always blaming her for the things we couldn't do yet wanting her to do. She has the most responsibility, she had to be nice and caring to give way to us both. She was in the middle. She has the experience of being the only child! She has a lot of things I never got! She has a lot of experience with the outside world and I don't. I am sick and tired of being compared. I am sick and tired of heeding orders like a DOG!! I have never stopped crying since I went to school for my very last semester till now~ And do you know how much I felt neglected, how much I felt unloved by my own family? I am trying to cope with the fact that I was labeled at the mentally unstable child in the family, I am trying cope with the fact that I had to be one labeled as the most useless brat in the family, I am trying cope with the fact that I am the only one who kept falling sick in the family!! Yes I'm the worst. The worst!! I am not saying I'm suffering the most because I know there's a lot of others who suffered the worst fate out there. But I wish I could do something about myself.
I am not a good girlfriend, I am not a good daughter, I am not a good sister and I am not a good friend. I'm always the one throwing temper, I'm always the one venting anger on others, I'm always the one who fails in almost everything! I don't wish to be at home! I will always remember the times when I was in hospital, the first thing that you could say all the time when you called was "what about school? would they let you continue? would they let you stay?" instead of asking me about how I was. Yes yes my sister has done a lot for me. Saved my sorry ass from gangsters...she is the almighty one alright? Just let me be the idiot of the family...I don't need you to put faith in me because I've lost faith in my own family. I don't even know who is my family anymore! Seriously I do not...
All I know is that all I have left is JianZhen. I don't wish to be bothered about anyone else anymore, I'm sick and tired of being what you wish for me to be :'(
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